4 Breaths + Tears On The Beach
Cognitive excellence, difficult thoughts and conversation on the beach
4 Breaths now. Long slow exhales. Who is one person you really love? Mum, Dad, child, sibling, friend, husband, wife. Picture them in your minds eye now. Focusing our attention on the people we really care about (even if they aren’t physically with us) can help us release the feel good bonding hormone oxytocin. Increasing oxytocin helps us reduce stress.
Main Aims
My main aims over the coming months are to support you in three realms:
Techniques to help you get into flow state focus - make progress with important work
Techniques to help you strengthen relationships with others - improve family/ team bonds and reduce loneliness
Techniques to help you take regular restorative breaks - reduce stress and increase self worth (recognise you are a good person)
My number 1 aim: help you convert intention into effective action.
Many of us often get stuck by hoping change will occur by simply gaining information. The most important step is how we alter our behaviour. Meaningful change happens through action. I’m looking forward to sharing a range of things with you over the coming months.
3 Things I’ve Recently Found Interesting
How To Succeed Under Pressure: 4 Secrets From Astronauts
Succinct way to consider (and with practice manage) difficult thoughts
How to gain control of your free time
Tears On The Beach
The children and I were visiting my parents in Devon. We normally visit during the summer. This trip was more poignant as I expected it to be the last time the children will see my Dad as healthy as he is now.
I invite my mum and the children out for fish and chips on the beach. My Dad wants to stay at home and rest. Although it had been raining all day as if by magic the clouds clear and bright sunshine comes out, followed by a calm sea.
As we pull into the car park we see a car next to us with an excited dog in the back and a women in the front eating a delicious looking cream cake. They both looked very happy.
About an hour later the same women walks past where we are siting on the beach, I ask her how the cream cake was, she says delicious and she (Lal) joins us for a moment. My mum and her get chatting, I go for a swim. The children play with her dog Hugo.
After my swim I let everyone know that I’m off to get the fish and chips. Lal says she should be going and walks with me. I ask her how how she is, she says ‘fine’. I ask her ‘are you really fine or is there something?’ She pauses and then explains that she’s fallen out with her grown up son and hasn’t spoken to him in 9 months. She’s tried to phone and email him to no avail. He wont return her calls. It’s making her really sad and she doesn’t know what to do.
We walk in silence for a moment. I ask if she’s tried writing him a letter. She says no, and then adds that she could. She says she doesn’t have his address. I ask her do you know anyone who would have his address, yes she says I do.
I encouraged her to keep trying different ways to reach her son and then ask her if she’d like a hug. She says yes and as I embrace her she begins to cry. After a while she say thanks for listening, calls Hugo and gets in her car.
Why am I sharing this story?
Because a little bit of warmth can go a long way. Do not underestimate the power of listening with care and attention. It’s not easy (while I was listening to Lal I still found my attention wandering to fresh fish and chips!) Often people wont open up, that’s ok, worst case they will have felt your care and attention. Occasionally, like Lal, people will open up and when they do it can really help.
Lal is like many of us, we get stuck in a rut of repeating the same actions again and again. But with a little bit of space and a few different questions she found a different approach. She felt hopeful instead of defeated. And all of this came from one question; are you really fine or is there something?’
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” - Stephen Chbosky
Don't aim for perfect, aim for what you can do today.
You are a good person, doing your best. That's enough.
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