Why do relationships feel harder than ever before?
Loneliness is rising across the UK.
Over 7 million adults report frequent loneliness
Hybrid working means many of us have fewer daily conversations
When connection drops the quality of our work and our lives drops with it - CIPD
Yet many of us feel more disconnected than ever.
Over the last month I’ve been delivering a new session (Simple Tools for Relationships) to support clients around Time to Talk Day and nurture resilience in hybrid teams.
One of the patterns that keeps emerging is this:
When we are tired, stressed, or overwhelmed, one of the first things we drop is relationships.
This can create a tough situation.
We are a tribal species. We evolved to work together for the benefit of the tribe.
In other words, we need people when we are stressed, even if it is just for reassurance. It matters.
A single conversation can release powerful neurochemistry
Oxytocin for bonding
Dopamine to help us focus
Serotonin to lift mood
The combination of these neurochemicals can help us feel calmer, more connected and better able to think clearly.
Did you know that when people sing in choirs, their heartbeats begin to synchronise? It’s a powerful example of how biologically programmed we are to connect and work together.
Another example is yawning; when one person yawns, others often do too. This shared response is linked to empathy and social bonding, showing just how deeply connected our nervous systems are.
This post is a simple reminder that we have not evolved to go it alone, even though many of us have been conditioned to believe we should be able to.
I used to think mental strength meant I didn’t need anyone. I was wrong. This incorrect belief caused chronic stress and weakened my family relationships.
True resilience is built through the quality of our relationships; we evolved to cope, recover and thrive together.
So what can we do about it?
Take one small action today to strengthen a connection. The burst of confidence and reassurance this gives us is incredibly valuable.
Here are five simple ways to start.
Let me know here by 6pm today which of these techniques you tested and how it felt. Three people will win a mini prize in the post.
We learn best through action. Confidence grows by doing things that feel challenging, not by staying with what feels easy.
Technique 1 - Send a 30 second kind message
Text someone you care about now, one of the below texts.
“You popped into my mind today. Hope you’re doing well.”
“Quick hello, how has your week been so far?”
“Just a small message to say I hope things are good with you.”
Small, consistent moments of connection build stronger relationships than occasional big events.
Technique 2 - Ask one specific question
Many of us open a conversation with “How are you?” which, in terms of strengthening relationships, is one of the least effective questions we can ask. The intent is lovely, but the reality is everyone just says “fine” or “good,” and the conversation can struggle to go anywhere.
Here are three alternative options to try today:
What was one highlight from your weekend?
Are you watching or reading anything good at the moment?
How is your day going so far?
Specific questions are much easier to answer truthfully, which can lead to a meaningful exchange of information and an increase in trust.
Technique 3 - Express simple appreciation
Many of us think good things about other people but never actually say them out loud. We assume they already know. In reality, unspoken appreciation does little to strengthen a relationship.
Expressing one small, genuine appreciation can instantly deepen connection and trust. It helps the other person feel seen and valued, and it reminds us to notice the good in the people around us.
Here are three simple examples to try today:
I really appreciated your help the other day it made things much easier
I noticed the effort you put into that…….meeting/ situation/ project etc
Thanks for being a good friend, I really appreciate it x
Specific appreciation is powerful because it feels sincere and personal.
Tiny expressions of recognition often have the biggest impact on connection.
Technique 4 – Make a mini plan and tell someone about it
There is something you have been meaning to do that you keep putting off because you are busy supporting others or doing ‘jobs.’
Plan a moment for yourself now. Something small for you to look forward to.
When we make a plan and tell someone about it, we indirectly give them ‘cultural permission’ to do the same. We help ourselves and the other person.
Examples - all of these are moments I’ve made for me over the last month;
Sit down in a café and enjoy a nice coffee in peace – no phone
Attend a new class/café/sauna – I went to a new sauna and it was great!
Plan a walk in nature into your calendar – walked along the river in Cambridge
Lie down for 10 mins and close your eyes, not a meditation, just a very simple rest to calm the nervous system
Make a little cosy ‘nest’ on the sofa and read a book for 10 mins
Research shows that sharing goals and intentions with others increases the chance we will follow through, while giving them confidence to do the same.
Connection Starts with Safety, Not Likeability
We all want to be liked. It’s human nature. Yet trying too hard to be likeable can create self doubt and hesitation, so we end up saying nothing.
Remember, the most primal part of the brain is NOT asking, “Do they like me?”
It’s asking, “Do I feel safe with this person?”
Helping someone feel safe is simple: a warm greeting, undivided attention, open body language and genuine interest in them.
In our own way, we can all do these things. In a world that can feel increasingly disconnected and isolated, these small behaviours are powerful. A simple way each of us can make a meaningful difference to someone else today.
You are a good person, doing your best. That’s enough.
“We are not meant to do life alone.”
— Esther Perel
Why you should embrace rejection - here
‘I spoke to ChatGPT 8 times a day’ - Gen Z’s loneliness ‘crisis’ here
Recognise this mill from the music video?
Need a hand? Feel alone? Don’t wait, contact someone today. You deserve support as much as anyone else. You are not alone. Reply to this message if that’s easiest.
Text Shout - 85258 - simple support via text, I used when I wasn’t sure who to turn to
Call Samaritans 116 123 - no problem too small, I’ve used a couple of times, once during a relationship break up, once when one of my family said they were suicidal and I wasn’t sure who to ask for help
NHS Every Mind Matters - simple and effective resources you can access immediately here
Off for some neurochemicals now - with a dose of chemicals (coffee) thrown in. 🤗