Help With Difficult Thoughts

3 common difficult thoughts & possible next steps for each one

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it."

— Helen Keller

(Sorry, before I post the phone bedroom data I’m just taking some time to think about what the most influential actions could be to help us reduce the negative impact of our phone use, once I have clarity I’ll share my thoughts with you).

How do you cope with difficult thoughts?

Would you like some help with an overwhelming thought today?

When I was a young child one of my favourite stories was Peter and the Wolf. I'd ask my mum and dad to read it again and again.

Peter cries wolf and loses his integrity. No one believes him after he lies.

Our brain ‘cries wolf’ nearly everyday. Exaggerating the consequences of the most simple situations. Making mountains out of mole hills. Telling us how awful or worthless, unlovable or unproductive we are.

The difference between our brain and Peter? We keep believing our brain even though it has lied so many times before!

Today I’m not here to explain why it does that. Today I’m here to share with you some simple next steps to 3 common difficult thoughts. To help us cope and recover.

The idea for this post came out of realising that a menu of possible next steps for difficult thoughts could be useful when we feel tired and short on time.

Normally we would practice reframing to determine the most effective next step for us. This skill helps us develop psychological flexibility which leads to stronger resilience and improved emotional intelligence. However, sometimes that feels like too much effort.

This post is the equivalent of making a meal from Hello Fresh instead of creating our own recipe. Maybe not as delicious but it gives us the energy we need to get up tomorrow.

Let me know what you think by replying to this email. Send me a like or positive emoji if it was useful. Then I’ll know I’m on the right track and I can share more with you.

Why developing skills to manage difficult thoughts is so valuable;

• Difficult thoughts influence our behaviour, causing us to respond to people and challenging situations in ineffective ways (and often ways we regret)

• Difficult thoughts are distracting, making it harder to focus and concentrate

• Difficult thoughts cause us mental and physical pain, shall we let ourselves live in pain OR try to alleviate that pain?

Today I’m defining a ‘next step’ as a potentially beneficial action we can take today in response to a difficult thought.

Difficult Thought 1

I’m not going to get this done in time

Possible next steps

• Book a focus hour into your calendar for today or tomorrow - protect time

• Ask for an extension - people are often more flexible than we imagine

• Go someone quiet, turn email off, turn teams off, put phone out of sight or airplane mode, use this countdown timer, set it for 15 mins and stay focused only on your important task until the timer beeps - find the energy to just start

Difficult Thought 2

I’m not good enough

Possible next steps

• Do something that lifts your mood; walk, run, swim, gym, listen to a favourite song, make a recipe, our mood influences our lens of the world, when our mood changes our interpretation often changes

• Phone someone you love and tell them you love them, feeling connected to someone helps us feel we are worthy of connection, often reducing the intensity of our self criticism

• Write a list of 3 actions you’ve taken this year that act as evidence against the thought, my examples; “sent my mum and dad a nice card, apologised to two of the children, made a flapjack for a friend, helped spot someone (lift a heavy weight) in the gym”

Difficult Thought 3

I’m sad because of how they treated me

• Consider what else might be influencing their behaviour. What are they finding hard or struggling with? What might have caused them to respond that way?

• Forgive them. You don't have to say anything. In the privacy of your own mind you can acknowledge the world is imperfect, that people are irrational and you can forgive them.

• Write them a letter (not a text!) explaining how you feel. Not blaming them, not justifying anything you did. Simply explaining in black and white how you feel. Example “When you spoke to me that way I felt sad and rejected, I want to make everything ok but I’m not sure how” - WRITING this letter has immense value, even if you never send it

Difficult Thought 4?

Send me one of your recent difficult thoughts here (it’s anonymous) and I’ll reframe them and recommend some next steps in the next two weeks.

OR

Do you have a different next step in mind for any of the above thoughts? Let me know here. Takes 20 seconds. Your chance to help support others.

Final Thoughts

Imagine you are walking along minding your own business when suddenly you feel an immense pain. You look down to discover you’ve trodden on a nail and it's gone through your shoe and foot.

What do you do next? Try to walk home? Ignore it and carry on with your day? Take some Nurofen and go for a 5k run?

That would be ridiculous! Yet how many of us have chosen these types of behaviours when experiencing an overwhelming difficult thought?

If a nail went through our foot, we’d probably start with crying, shouting out in pain, then asking for help, then finding someone to assist taking the nail out!

Every nail we can take out develops our resilience skills, one step at a time, gradually our life skills develop and we convert the pain into improving our ability to cope with the many challenges life brings our way.

You are a good person, doing your best. That’s the most each of us can do.

“Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together. The trick is to focus on the first small thing. Starting small is still starting, and small beginnings often lead to extraordinary endings.”

- Van Gough

This week I enjoyed:

Wuthering Heights the book - worth a read or a read

This article - it really is never too late to start again

This post - how one person went from “I’ve got nothing to lose, no job, no place, literally nothing” to wining a Grammy 5 years later

Need a hand? Feel alone? Don’t wait, contact someone today. You deserve support as much as anyone else. You are not alone. Reply to this message if that’s easiest.

• Text Shout - 85258 - simple support via text, I used when I wasn't sure who to turn to

• Call Samaritans 116 123 - no problem too small, I've used a couple of times, once during a relationship break up, once when one of my family said they were suicidal and I wasn't sure who to ask for help

• NHS Every Mind Matters - simple and effective resources you can access immediately here

A poster I saw last year;