Marc Brackett, director of the Yale Centre for Emotional Intelligence did a survey that found that when people were struggling instead of looking for help from the ‘best problem solvers’ they reached out to people who did 3 main things;
Didn’t judge them
Really listened and helped them feel understood
Provided empathy and support
Why do we look for these qualities when faced with tough situations?
Because difficult situations cause difficult emotions. We need some space to:
a) Understand that what we feel is normal and that its ok to feel the way we feel
b) Figure out the genuine reason we feel the way we do
Shame is normal, guilt is normal, fear is normal, anxiety is normal, anger is normal. Yes, the emotional trigger might have been an email at work but the real reason we feel the way we do might be because one of our important relationships is strained at the moment.
We need this realisation first. Then we put ourselves in a much better position to identify effective next steps.
If you put a plaster on without cleaning the cut what happens?
If you notice you don't feel like yourself and delay going to the doctor what might occur?
We all need a safe place for a release before we can start to think more clearly and rationally. It took me 18 months to release what I really felt when my children were born into intensive care. This ultimately led to the breakdown of my relationship years later. I didn’t have the strategies to deal with the situation.
It’s not easy but it’s vital. Once you find the courage to tell someone how you feel it just flows out like a burst dam because its waited for so long to find the surface. You realise you’ve been emotionally ‘holding your breath’ for weeks, months, maybe years.
Anyone will do, friend, colleague, random person you meet on a bus (thank you Miriam) and if none of those seem feasible call Samaritans today - 116 123. They really helped me and I’m sure they will help you.
What if we can't find someone to help us with the release? Then we need to give that space to ourselves. We can always control this. We can give a million excuses but the truth is we can find 10 mins to do this today or tomorrow or this weekend.
Like the psychologist Becky Kennedy says “to regulate a feeling we need to feel that feeling”
Easier said than done when we walk around with the world’s most effective ‘numbing machine’ in our pocket. Mobile phones make emotions much harder to manage. And they’re already really difficult to handle!
How to give yourself space for a release
Book it into your calendar, plan it in your diary, protect the time
I find morning or late evening easiest. An example could be; Thursday 24th October 9am after a morning run. It only takes 10 mins.
Begin by doing something that lifts your mood first, this will help give you the confidence to convert intention into meaningful action
Exercise outside is the best bet for many; for convenience and the added benefit of how nature helps our brain widen perspective; walk, run, cycle.
After your mood lifting action find a quiet place to answer these 3 questions
Either by writing them down or recording a voice message into your notes - put your phone on airplane mode before you start.
1. What feelings do I notice?
Dig deep and be as specific as possible. Is it anger or disappointment, is it sadness or anxiety, is it guilt or shame, is frustration or boredom, is it inertia or fear, is it a combination of these or something else? - see a list of words to describe a range of emotions here
When my children were in intensive care my feelings were guilt, worry, pressure, overwhelmed
2. Where do I feel those feelings most strongly in my body?
This helps us by noticing more easily which situations/ times of day/ people cause the uncomfortable emotions. And by helping us notice how frequently we are feeling these feelings. Its a very simple and easy way for us to become more emotionally literate. We enhance our self awareness each time we notice the tension in our body.
I noticed stress in my jaw, shoulders and chest - my chest literally felt like it permanently had a rock in it. I’ll always remember the moment in a yoga class where for about 5 mins that rock disappeared. For months I hadn’t even understood it was there!
3. What stories am I telling myself when I feel these strong emotions?
To make sense of our experience our brain often converts strong emotions into a story. It’s constantly asking for each experience ‘what does this mean'?’ This is a normal reaction. It becomes problematic when we start to believe all the stories we tell ourselves. We assume there can only be one story, we assume that our initial interpretation is accurate. Often the first story we tell ourselves is misleading, its simply our negativity bias (chimp brain) kicking in. Just because someone sent me a critical email doesn’t mean ‘people doubt the quality of my work’. Just because my partner doesn't listen sometimes doesn't mean ‘they don’t really love me’. Just because my work never seems good enough doesn't mean ‘I’m a bad person’. Just because I feel lonely doesn’t mean ‘no one cares’. Noticing the stories is a huge step to identifying what’s really going on. A challenge to set ourselves when we feel locked into a certain narrative is ‘ What else could this mean'?’ I can not overstate how valuable this question is.
When my children were in intensive care the stories I told myself included ‘I’m letting everyone down’, ‘I’m not a good enough dad’, ‘I should be able to fix this’. The real story was that it was a very painful and overwhelming situation. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. But the stories I told myself led to me being distant from my partner and caused a lot more pain for everyone in the long run.
Please remember that difficult thoughts and emotions are NORMAL FOR EVERYONE. We all feel them and we seem to spend a lot of adult life concealing them from others, including ourselves. This impacts how we behave and the decisions we make (or avoid making). Yet where was our training on how to manage our emotions? All that time we spent learning and studying but unfortunately didn't cover the skills to manage one of the most influential parts of our lives. It’s understandable why interpreting what we really feel, feels difficult and uncomfortable. Its ‘easier’ to avoid instead of acknowledge. One of the saddest things for me is that if we don't learn that overwhelming emotions are normal then our default assumption becomes ‘it must be a problem with me, there must be something fundamentally wrong with me.’ This is a very lonely and painful place to live.
In a nutshell; tell someone how you feel today. Samaritans is a great option for convenience and privacy. If you don't feel you can, it’s ok, but plan to give yourself time for a release. Before we put on a plaster let’s clean the wound.
You are a good person, doing your best. That’s the most each of us can do.
P.S - Why do alcohol and caffeine make us feel worse as we get older? - here
P.P.S - Need a hand? Feel alone? Don’t wait, contact someone today. You deserve support as much as anyone else. You are not alone. Reply to this message if that’s easiest.
Text Shout - 85258 - simple support via text, I used when I wasn't sure who to turn to
Call Samaritans 116 123 - no problem too small, I've used a couple of times, once during a relationship break up, once when one of my family said they were suicidal and I wasn't sure who to ask for help
NHS Every Mind Matters - simple and effective resources you can access immediately here
One of my favourite ways to get an emotional release. Cambridge lido.