The Hidden Cost of Avoidance
A new mini type of post where I explore one idea that might help you today
Stifling emotions during an emotional film worsens physical stamina afterwards.
This insight came from a study by the Nobel Prize winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman.
But what does it mean and how can it help me?
Many of us suppress, avoid and numb how we really feel.
That passive aggressive email from a colleague you try and avoid answering.
The anxious feeling that leads to compulsive phone checking and scrolling.
The self critical thoughts that trigger ‘just one more glass of wine’
We skip a vital part of our life experience - acknowledgement.
What Daniel Kahneman’s study shows us - empirically - is that denying how we really feel has a cost. It’s not ‘nothing’. It’s not just a small by product. It alters how we behave, how we relate to others, our ability to focus, how we respond to whatever life puts in front of us.
When we acknowledge how we feel, we pause to recognise what we are really feeling and more importantly what triggered it.
Is it just another long day? OR is it really that you have felt lonely for weeks?
Is it that everything in your life is a bit shit? OR are you just really tired and need a rest?
Imagine we were in a dark forest. Our map got lost when we slipped down some rocks. Night is fast approaching.
Should we;
a) just start walking somewhere
OR
b) try and work out exactly where we are, maybe using the moon or stars, maybe waiting until dawn to see if we can find any landmarks
We’d want to know where we really are before we just react.
What’s a simple technique to help us improve our skill at acknowledgment?
Take a 4 Breath Pause
If you notice a difficult feeling, thought or mood, apply the HALT method;
Am I hungry?
Am I angry about something?
Am I feeling lonely?
Am I tired?
This is a simple and effective technique to develop our self awareness. It helps us pause to acknowledge what we might be feeling.
If we answer yes to one of the HALT questions then our next step is to meet that need first. Then see how we feel afterwards.
If we answer no to all of the HALT questions that gives us a sign we would benefit by looking a bit deeper.
I remember when my mum felt tired and run down and seemed to constantly have a cough. “I just need a rest” she said on repeat for weeks. Then “I just need some antibiotics for this cough” again on repeat for weeks. Then months later she was diagnosed with lymphoma. My mum was an excellent avoider.
This was an important lesson for me. The sooner we acknowledge how we feel, the sooner we can get the help we need. Or change something we need to change. Or adjust something we need to adjust.
“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” - Brene Brown
Don’t aim for perfect, just aim for what you can do today. You are a good person.
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