The Struggle To Be Good Enough
When does it start? How can it end?
I will be enough when I’ve……………………….
What if I only have one minute today and can’t read the whole post? It’s ok. If you can only do one thing, take 4 breaths and do one thing that lifts your mood. This will help you access your logical brain, widen perspective and respond more effectively to what your faced with today.
I will be enough when…… I’ve reached a certain job status
I will be enough when…….. I’ve bought a house
I will be enough when……. I’ve found a partner
What do you put in front of being enough? Most of us put something. For some of us it will be an achievement, a certain qualification, job or career status. For others it will be a relationship; getting married, having children or a group of friends. For many it’s linked to some material goal like a home, or a car, or a certain amount of money. For parents it’s sometimes linked with helping their children develop a certain skill or qualify for a certain school or university.
Putting something in front of being good enough is one of the main reasons so many of us don’t feel good enough. Why do so many of us feel this way? Let me walk you through part of my life story to see if we can identify any themes;
When I think back I first remember not feeling good enough when I compared myself to others. At school it was a certain pair of shoes or a place in a sports team. Later on in academia it was having my confidence shattered and realising good grades that once came easily now required a lot of hard work. Grades my friends seem to get without even trying.
Then came love. The fear of not finding love. Then not being truly accepted by the person you love more than anything else. Then keeping back a part of myself for fear that some ‘bad’ part of me would somehow contaminate the connection we shared. Then children. If I can just be a good dad ’then everything will be ok, I will be a ‘good person’. Then realising I didn’t know what a good dad looked like.
Then believing money will solve things. Only to understand that making more alleviates some stressors but unfortunately magnifies others. Leaving you physically better off but mentally exhausted.
From my own journey I’ve identified two themes that caused me to frequently feel like I wasn’t good enough;
Having no clear plan of what being enough looked like, linking it to whatever was going on in my life at the time; material things, academic achievement, falling in love, being a parent, earning a certain salary, buying a house etc.
Comparing myself to others; whatever stage of life this was often the catalyst of not feeling good enough
What helped me
Suffering - unfortunately nothing motivates like pain, when things get really hard we are forced to change ourselves or change something in our life - usually both
Values - taking the time to reflect on what I really value instead of just unconsciously following the values of wider society, empowering me to protect time for what gives me a sense of meaning and purpose
Friendship & family - it took me years to fully grasp interdependence, how to ask for help and accept support
Daily quiet time - finding quiet time each day to reinterpret what I’m thinking, how I’m feeling and the events of the day, am I seeing things accurately or have I jumped to wild conclusions? Empowering me to respond more effectively to the events and people around me
Tips To Help
Take dedicated time one weekend to sit and ask yourself these two questions;
What are the 3 most important things in my life?
What’s one way I can give each of those more quality attention? (if you want to do this more deeply see a list of questions to help here)
Build one mood lifting action into your daily routine. Mood has a significant influence on our perception, which in turn empowers us to reframe and reinterpret our thoughts, feelings, actions, life events - mine is currently gym OR sauna followed by meditation
Consider this truth; there is nothing you can do to make yourself more of enough than you are today. Today, in this moment, you are enough. Yes, there will be things you want to change, goals you want to achieve, places you want to visit. None of these will change the fundamental truth that you are already enough. You've always been enough. You will always be enough. You will make mistakes, you will hurt people, you will get things wrong. These painful moments will help you make adjustments and build new skills. They can’t take away from the fact that you are a good person doing your best.
(Some of you will strongly disagree with the above, it’s ok. Notice your emotional response, enquire where it comes from, this too will provide a valuable insight).
“The world will ask you who you are, and if you do not know, the world will tell you.”
- Carl Jung
You are a good person, doing your best. That’s the most each of us can do.
P.S - Nine amazing facts to help you sleep better - BBC
P.P.S - See below photo form my recent Switzerland mini adventure.
P.P.S - Need a hand? Feel alone? Don’t wait, contact someone today. You deserve support as much as anyone else. You are not alone. Reply to this message if that’s easiest.
Text Shout - 85258 - simple support via text, I used when I wasn't sure who to turn to
Call Samaritans 116 123 - no problem too small, I've used a couple of times, once during a relationship break up, once when one of my family said they were suicidal and I wasn't sure who to ask for help
NHS Every Mind Matters - simple and effective resources you can access immediately here
Nature is a great medicine. Early morning Lake Laguno.
