The Sweet That Makes Us Lonely
A carrot to motivate us to protect time for no phone moments
Would you eat a sweet that made you feel lonely and prevented you getting things done?
See my mini pilot clip here on the neuroscience of why we check our phones so much even though it often makes us feel worse. You can also see my draft posters at the foot of this email - I’m working on something like this for schools or the fridge in our homes. Why do I share pilots and drafts? To rally against the promoted perfectionism in the world around us. Meaningful things take time, they involve perseverance, edits and adjustments. The courage to experiment is vital to learning.
Recently I found some photos of when I was a child (you can see one of me at the foot of this post). These included pictures of my parents and siblings.
As I looked at these photos I felt lots of love. It’s hard to describe the exact feeling, a combination of belonging, connection and nostalgia. It surprised me how good it felt to see them.
In one of my new sessions Deep Calm & Connection I ask participants to use a chosen photo to quickly feel a sense of connection to someone else. A simple way to reset our emotional state when we are in the fight or flight mode of heavy workload.
What I got thinking about is; how often each day do we really look at the photos we take?
How many do we print out?
Now compare this to how many negative news stories you see online each day. War, typhoons, climate crisis, energy bills.
What I was struggling to accept (because it made me feel uncomfortable) is that I spend more time looking at the news each day then I do looking at photographs of people I love.
In the last month I’ve read more about winter fuel payments than looking at pictures of my family.
It’s become a habit to look at things on my phone that bring me misery instead of joy.
How many hours did you use your phone yesterday?
Look up your digital wellness app on Android phone OR for Apple go to Settings > Screen Time and tap See All App & Website Activity.
Here is mine. I consider myself a light user but still on average 2 hours of my life each day!
Jonathan Haidt’s brilliant book The Anxious Generation highlights the significant impact of phone use since smartphones arrived in 2012, leading to four major harms;
Social isolation - feel lonely?
Sleep deprivation - feel tired?
Fragmented attention - feel distracted?
Addiction - notice habitual phone checking?
Mobile phones are highly addictive and the world’s most powerful organisations are focused on hunting our attention because that’s how they make money.
Tech firms are like the tobacco companies of the 80’s. Running roughshod over obvious health impacts but worse because they pretend they have our best interests at heart.
What can we do about it? Start with a simple step. One quality no phone moment a day.
Your High Quality No Phone Moment
Choose a 30 minute block that feels easy - convenience is vital to create new habits, start of the day or end of the day is easiest for me
Put your phone on do not disturb and out of sight - drawer or cupboard - studies show just looking at our phone, even if its off, raises our stress levels
Focus on a specific activity that lifts your mood and demands a lot of your attention which helps you a) feel connected to yourself or b) feel connected to someone else
Option 1: Exercise - feel good hormones, cognitive recharge, improve sleep
Option 2: Give one person (or animal) your undivided attention - increase bonding hormone oxytocin, quieten our inner critic, strengthen relationships
Option 3: Read and/ or write - stress relief of escapism in one narrative (instead of multi narrative on a phone), experience catharsis through the characters. Or write down your thoughts from the day - increase awareness and emotional regulation
Notice how you feel afterwards; Where in your body do you feel lighter? Where has tension eased? Has some of the brain fog cleared? Who do you feel closer to?
The benefits are significant. Easier to focus, less anxiety, increased confidence, better sleep, more motivation - the list is very long.
My current favourite no phone moments are either morning exercise (gym, swim or run) playing Bananagrams with the children, or my mini stretch routine before bed. The mini stretch routine is the most protective habit because it happens everyday, takes the least time and always helps me feel at least a bit better.
At the weekend I was at a party and saw someone I hadn't seen for a decade. She’d gone without alcohol for a month and was feeling better than ever “out of all the special workouts, vitamin supplements and smoothies, nothing has made me feel as good as not having alcohol.”
Sometimes the biggest improvements in our life come from doing one thing less instead of trying to do more things.
You are a good person, doing your best. That’s the most each of us can do.
P.S - Why Your Team Members Need Daily Check-Ins - here
P.P.S - Need a hand? Feel alone? Don’t wait, contact someone today. You deserve support as much as anyone else. You are not alone. Reply to this message if that’s easiest.
Text Shout - 85258 - simple support via text, I used when I wasn't sure who to turn to
Call Samaritans 116 123 - no problem too small, I've used a couple of times, once during a relationship break up, once when one of my family said they were suicidal and I wasn't sure who to ask for help
NHS Every Mind Matters - simple and effective resources you can access immediately here
The Draft Posters
With my little brother
