The Woman I Met On The Plane

Simple tips from the health professional I met on the way back from Budapest

It only takes one conversation to release dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, and other biochemicals that give us a sense of wellbeing.- here

Someone asked me a few months ago. What’s the most valuable part of your work? My answer wasn’t what they were expecting.

I’m grateful to work with thousands of people each year; doctors, nurses, scientists, administrators, charity campaigners, teachers, professors, cancer patients and many more.

I try really hard to do a good job and much of my work feels meaningful.

However, I see my most important contribution as the one I make in simple one on one conversations. I make a conscious effort to start conversations and really listen to what the other person says. There are days I feel too tired to do this but most days I’ll start at least one conversation.

The very act of simple human connection is a powerful remedy to how both people feel. Reducing the stress hormone cortisol and increasing the feel good hormone oxytocin. I once read an article which described these as ‘low stake’ conversations. The type in the past we would have had with a fellow passenger on the train, a neighbour, queue in the bakery, kitchen in the office. We live in a world where less of these conversations happen serendipitously.

My experience is it only takes one conversation to improve my outlook on the world. And sometimes that conversation can even lead to a valuable insight.

A couple of weeks ago I was visiting my brother and his family in Budapest - him and my sister in law met late in life so they've tried to squeeze all the children in; aged 3, 2 and 11 months! They are knackered but doing great.

I refuse to pay for seat allocation on Ryanair. I also put out a secret hope for a window seat and someone not too annoying to sit next to.

On the return flight back from Budapest I met a lovely woman called Helen who is a head addiction counsellor. Her and her partner had taken her mum away for the weekend. Her story was fascinating. She also provided me with some great advice which I’m going to share with you now.

Although this approach is used in addiction counselling. I think it’s something we can all benefit from.

Insight from Addiction Counselling

The theory is simple. If we notice we feel low, sad, anxious, lonely, self critical. Or if we feel we might be suffering with a mental health condition. Before we try and diagnose ourselves via google (never a good idea, all roads lead to a life threatening illness that means I have 3 months to live!). Before any of that, we go through the below checklist.

Use it to check if there are any gaps in ‘doing the minimum’. Take action to fill in the gaps and then see how you feel.

We often underestimate the benefits of very simple adjustments. We also tend to do ourselves a disservice by feeling like there is nothing we can do. There is something we can do. Start today. Use it over the holidays if you notice a low mood.

Remember how the world can look very different after one good sleep. Could there be any other simple steps we’ve overlooked?

Are you doing the minimum?

• Outside 30 mins each day? - natural light to regulate circadian rhythm for alertness, mood and sleep

• Going to bed when you feel sleepy? - quality sleep starts by listening to our body, don’t ‘push on through’ to the end of the episode, pause and come back to it tomorrow

• No caffeine and no alcohol days? - avoid stimulants & depressants, let the body reach homeostasis (natural balance), improve mood and reframe situations

• Exercise 3 times a week? - mood regulation, energy, recharge willpower

• Quality time with 1 person each week? - nurture relationships to feel bonded to one other person, increase trust, protect from loneliness,

Which one of the above could you test today? How might just one of these steps help you feel? The one I neglect the most is quality time with 1 person. I’ve been making more of an effort to meet friends for a quick drink instead of planning a big night out. The increased frequency of connection helps me reset my perspective not only during the conversation but afterwards too. I find it easier to talk myself out of the dark moods I sometimes find I’ve talked myself into.

What happens if you are doing all the above on a regular basis and notice something underneath the surface still doesn’t feel right? Ask for help asap. Make an appointment with your GP. Call a friend you can really trust. Call Samaritans 116 123. Don’t wait, the sooner you get help the sooner you get better.

Take 4 breaths now. Inhale. Hold for a few seconds, long slow exhale. Every conscious breath makes a difference.

“Everyone has their own ways of expression. I believe we all have a lot to say, but finding ways to say it is more than half the battle.” - Criss Jami

You are a good person, doing your best. That’s enough.

One of the walks I’m looking forward to over the holidays in Devon. Walking out to Start Point. I’ve walked here since I was 11 years old, it formed the beginning stretch of my first ultramarathon and now it feels reassuring like a warm blanket on the sofa. A restorative moment in nature. Wishing you a quality moment for you over the holidays.

Photo by Louis Tripp here