I felt a little reluctant to write a post focused solely on supporting men’s mental wellbeing.
Mainly because we live in a society where men have held much of the power, and that power has often been abused in ways that have seriously harmed women of all ages.
But I also realised that most of us have a man in our life who is hard to reach; A dad. A son. A brother. A nephew. A cousin. A colleague. A friend.
Everyone deserves support; Men’s Health Week starts 15th June - read more here
One of the hardest things about supporting men is that the moment they most need help is often the moment they become hardest to reach.
Not because they do not care, but because many men have learned to manage pain by going quiet, staying busy, making jokes or disappearing into work or isolation.
For some men, struggle does not look like crying or saying “I’m not okay.” It can look like being irritable, distant, tired, numb, restless, sarcastic, avoiding messages, or saying “I’m fine” in a way that clearly means the opposite.
This makes it difficult because the usual question, “How are you feeling?” can feel too direct, too exposing. Most men in my experience have not had much practice talking about sadness, fear, shame, loneliness or overwhelm.
When they are asked to explain what is going on inside, they may genuinely not know where to begin.
This is one of the main reasons suicide remains the biggest killer of men under 50 in the UK. Think about that for a moment: more than drugs, dangerous hobbies or car accidents. It shows how serious silence, shame and emotional isolation can become.
It is not that men do not feel deeply. They do. It is that many have been trained, quietly and repeatedly, to hide the evidence.
So the aim is not to force a big emotional conversation. The aim is to make it easier for honesty to appear.
Three simple ways to reach men and boys
1. Talk side by side, not face to face
A direct sit down conversation can feel intense, especially if someone already feels ashamed, trapped or under pressure. It often works better to talk while walking, driving, doing a practical task, making food, or sitting somewhere calm without too much eye contact.
Side by side conversations reduce the pressure. They give the person space to think, pause, look away, and say something small without feeling like they are being examined. A simple line can help:
“I’m going for a walk, come with me?”
“I’m driving to the supermarket, want to come?”
“Help me get dinner ready?”
Not ‘we need to talk.’ Not ‘tell me what’s wrong.’ Just a low pressure invitation.
2. Ask practical, specific questions
Big emotional questions can be hard to answer. Practical questions are often easier because they give the person a small doorway into the conversation.
Instead of asking, 'How are you feeling?’ try:
“How’s your sleep been lately?”
“Have you managed to eat properly today?”
“Has work felt heavy this week?”
“Have you had any time to switch off?”
“What’s been taking up the most headspace?”
These questions still show care, but they do not demand a perfect emotional explanation. They let someone begin with facts, and facts are often the bridge to feelings.
3. Ask them to help solve a problem
A useful way to reach men can be to ask for their help with something small and practical, because it gives them a reason to connect without making the whole moment about how they are feeling.
Research into men’s mental health suggests men are often more willing to engage when support feels practical, purposeful and problem solving, rather than when it feels like they are being asked to suddenly open up on demand.
For many men, being asked “Are you okay?” can feel exposing. But being asked “Can you help me work something out?” can feel more natural and less like they are being put under a spotlight.
This could be something very simple:
“I’m trying to think through something. Can I get your view?”
“Can you help me with this small job, then we’ll grab a coffee?”
“I’m not sure what to do about something. Can I talk it through with you?”
Sometimes connection starts more easily when it has a task, a walk, a drive, a job or a problem to solve.
The conversation often opens once the pressure to talk has been removed.
His guard softens and a more honest conversation becomes possible.
Final thought
When I was growing up, I loved books about knights.
They seemed to symbolise adventure, strength and courage.
In today’s world, many of us still wear emotional armour. We use it to show people we are okay, even when deep down we know we are not.
That armour can protect us in some ways. It can help us keep going, stay strong and survive difficult things.
But it can also stop us from getting the help we need.
For many men, this emotional armour becomes so heavy that it can feel almost impossible to find the energy, words or motivation to take it off and ask for support.
Hold in mind that we may not always get through to the man in our life who feels hard to reach.
It takes time. (It took me 18 months after my daughters were born into intensive care to begin to get the help I needed).
But also hold in mind that each conversation, each side by side moment, each walk, each shared job, each problem solved together, lightens the armour in some small way.
And maybe, over time, it helps him get closer to the day he can finally take it off, and the wounds underneath can begin to heal.
You are a good person, doing your best. That is enough.
“We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep.”
― William James
How To Get Unstuck - here
UK’s first rooftop intensive care ward opens - here
The one change that worked: I struggled to get any work done – until I bought a kitchen timer - here (many of you will know I’ve been ambassador for this technique for the last 10 years! Great to see it getting a wider audience!)
Need a hand? Feel alone?
Don’t wait, contact someone today. You deserve support as much as anyone else. You are not alone. Reply to this message if that’s easiest.
Text Shout - 85258 - simple support via text, I used when I wasn’t sure who to turn to
Call Samaritans 116 123 - no problem too small, I’ve used a couple of times, once during a relationship break up, once when one of my family said they were suicidal and I wasn’t sure who to ask for help
NHS Every Mind Matters - simple and effective resources you can access immediately here