Why Email Hurts
One thing that might help today + Tissues 4 Issues Launch
An inbox is actually a ‘relationship box’ and that’s why it often feels so difficult.
We all care about what others think. It’s natural (and often annoying) but we do.
Fundamentally it’s because we are a triable species and we feel safer when we are an accepted part of a tribe - family, team, group of friends etc.
When someone asks us for something, like when they send us an email, we don’t want to let them down, we don’t want them to think badly of us, we just want things to be ok.
This would all be manageable if we only received 3- 5 emails a day but many of us receive 10 - 30 a day.
That is a lot of relationships to manage.
On top of doing our core work.
Take a moment to reflect on your life so far, you’ll notice that a lot of our most painful moments were down to relationships.
That time at secondary school you felt lonely and unpopular.
The love you felt for someone who didn’t love you in the same way.
The lack of recognition from your mum, dad or siblings for how hard you were trying.
Relationships are really hard work. Which means a box full of relationships we look at for hours most days of our lives isn’t going to feel great, often it will feel heavy and overwhelming.
So what can we do about it?
Carefully restrict the number of hours your email inbox is open. I look and respond to email for max 2 hours a day. Your job might require you to be in email more, but very few job’s require you to have email open 100% of your day. And if you haven’t already, turn email alerts off (instructions for how to turn off in outlook here). We wouldn’t like it if someone came to our desk at home or work and handed as every new message in person, so why accept the digital interruption?
Once you’ve opened an email, respond to it there and then if possible. Otherwise our mind will be thinking about in the background until we reply. Finishing work with lots of ‘unclosed email loops’ open in our mind increases stress and ‘cognitive burden’.
Ask for a quick chat before replying. If someone sends you an email that seems rude/ chasing/ passive aggressive/ ungrateful/ dogmatic, simply reply asking for a quick chat via teams or phone. It’s MUCH easier to resolve by speaking to someone then going back and forth with ever longer defensive toned emails that CC, BBC people in. On the call ask ‘Can I just check what you need?’ Often peoples tone in an email doesn’t reflect how they really feel. Voice helps us hear/ see the difference.
Reset your expectations. Every day you will leave some emails unanswered. This is ok, there are so many of them! Just try and get a reply to the few important ones. The rest you have to leave for tomorrow/ later in the week. Who said you HAVE to answer all emails on the day you receive them? Your a person who cares about making a valuable contribution to your team and family. Your not an email answering service. Much of our really important work is done out of our inbox. Leave time and energy for that work.
(Important note: I understand all jobs are different and some require a lot more email than others, the above is a general guide. However, before you consider a technique's value; test it! The courage to test will help you determine the value for you.)
Think about all the people you care about for a moment. Your mum, dad, siblings, partner, cousins, close friends, trusted colleagues.
Imagine there was a new social rule where you had to contact them all, everyday. To maintain the relationship. To try and keep everyone happy.
How would that feel? Uplifting and energising? OR emotionally draining & exhausting?
Managing relationships is hard work. Trying to keep everyone happy is going to feel exhausting. And yet we do this most days via our inbox. You have the power to change this. Start with one small step today.
“Real generosity towards the future lies in giving all to the present.” - Albert Camus
Don’t aim for perfect, just aim for what you can do today. You are a good person.
Need a hand? These services are excellent and available 24 hours a day for ANY problem - I've used them both! You are not alone.
Text 'shout' to 85258 - text support
Call Samaritans 116 123 - phone support, no problem too small
Looing at our inbox can feel overwhelming. Like trying to keep everyone happy at a big social occasion - tiring!
